All or Nothing
by Renolvr
Summary: Tifa had long since become accustomed to his silence and unintentional ignorance. But was it wrong that she wanted him to care? Was it wrong to want to know exactly where she stood? No? Then why did she end up feeling guilty instead of him?


**_A/N: I've known this song with a good while now. It came on in my Mam's car on the way home today and it got me thinking. I came home and found myself writing this. This song always reminds me of Tifa. The song is called "All or Nothing", and though I'm not sure exactly who it's credited I know Westlife and O-Town have sang it._**

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She knew that look better than anyone else did. Better than Barret, better than Cid, better than anyone, than everyone. He was looking at her right now, but she knew in her heart he wasn't seeing her. He was looking straight through her, too busy thinking over the past. Thinking over what he had probably dreamt about again. She could always tell when that monster was on his mind. She could never agree with his constant pondering of past events. A year had passed since Sephiroth had been defeated, but the look in his eyes at that moment showed the man was far from forgotten.

_**I know when he's been on your mind**_

_** That distant look is in your eyes **_

_**I thought it's time you'd realize it's over, over **_

She'd never planned for things to work out this way. She'd known him since they had both been kids. A year ago, when she'd been running the bar in the slums, she'd never have seen herself in a new city, with a new pub…and two kids to look after. Okay, Marlene was technically Barret's, but Denzel wasn't. The kid had needed a home though, and she'd had an extra bed. He wasn't any trouble though, he was what kept them together most of the time. Between his willingness to help her to his intense interest in most of what Cloud did. But it wasn't fair on him nor her. Cloud walked in and out those doors on a daily basis without so much as a word to either, watching the disappointment in the boy's eyes every time Cloud walked past him and straight up to the office. It was like sharing a person between a life and a job…only he was giving more to the job than what actually mattered.

_**It's not the way I choose to live **_

_**But something somewhere's gotta give **_

_**As sharing in this relationship gets older, older **_

Why was he like that though?! She knew the fight last year had taken a large toll on him. But why was he pushing everyone away? Why was he pushing her away? She cared about him as a friend and as more, so why didn't he realise that? Why didn't he see her standing right in front of him trying to help? If there was someone else, then show her to her, she'd fight for her friend, for him. But how was she supposed to if no one was there…or worse - if that someone was already gone - Aerith? She'd seen Cloud as a kid, as a ShinRa grunt, as a mess claiming to be an ex-SOLDIER, as a broken person and now as a stone wall - she'd seen him as everything other than himself, that's all she wanted, she didn't care anymore if it sounded selfish or not.__

_**You know I'd fight for you**_

_** but how could I fight someone who isn't even there **_

_**I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you **_

_**I don't care if that's not fair **_

She wanted to be able to tell him how she felt. How she had always felt towards him. Anything was better this limbo. She actually didn't know what they had. Sure, he slept at the bar some nights, he ran his business from the bar, he passed in and out at random times of the day, but he never said more than a few words. He never stayed more than what was needed. Was it bad that she wished to know where she stood? She'd surely put up with enough at this stage. She had exasperated all other ways and attempts.

_**Cuz I want it all Or nothing at all **_

_**There's nowhere left to fall When you reach the bottom **_

_**it's now or never **_

Was this all it was ever going to amount to? A silent relationship supported by innumerable unanswered questions and idle guesses? Or were they just friends? Was that all they'd ever be? She wanted and envisioned so much more than that, but it took two people to make a relationship work, what else was she supposed to do - tie him down and make him give a damn? She couldn't do that, that was stupidity at it's finest right there. She'd come to accept his routine somewhere along the lines, though where exactly she wasn't sure. He came, he went, he could disappear for several days, if not a week or two at a time with nothing more than a telephone call saying he was on a delivery and that she could lock up tonight - that was all, no such thing as "Sorry, I got caught on a long delivery, but I'll try to make it back soon, take care." No, that would be too much of an effort for Cloud…too many words strung together for him to bother

_**Is it all **_

_**Or are we just friends **_

_**Is this how it ends **_

_**With a simple telephone call **_

_**You leave me here with nothing at all **_

Any time she saw that look in his eyes - the glazed one, the distant one, the one that saw right through her - she knew what he was thinking of. Zack maybe? Which meant he was feeling guilty again. Aerith maybe? Which meant he was feeling guilty there too, along with probably - though she despised admitting it - heart broken. Or maybe he was thinking about Sephiroth? Which meant immense hatred, fear, a need for answers. But it all added up to the same in her eyes - he was living with his memories. He preferred lingering on them than facing the truth of the present. But she just kept on smiling despite it all because at the end of the day, she was the one who had smile and pretend it was all fine.

_**There are time it seems to me**_

_** I'm sharing you with memories**_

_** I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it **_

An odd time he looked at her and actually saw her…her heart tended to leap and do a somersault at these times, but then came crashing back down to Gaia with a bang as guilt encased her. What gave her the right to feel that way when he'd been through so much? She'd been through a lot too, but it was nothing compared to the hell he'd been put through…she felt guilty for noticing when he noticed for some reason. Even though it was one of the only things she actually wanted him to do.

_**Then there's times you look at me**_

_** As though I'm all that you can see **_

_**Those times I don't believe it's right I know it, know it **_

He was great at promises once he did talk. I'll be back before dinner…I'll talk to Denzel later…I won't be long…We'll talk tomorrow…but she'd come to accept that these promises were nothing but empty ones. The first few times she had actually believed him, she had actually waited and hoped for the promises to be fulfilled, like the one he'd made to her when they had been kids before he'd gone to join ShinRa. But although he may not have meant to, all went unfulfilled. __

_**Don't make me promises**_

_** Baby you never did know how to keep them well **_

_**I had the rest of you now I want the best of you it's time to show and tell **_

She knew how she felt about him and surely he knew what his feelings towards her were. She just wished she knew too. Even if it was only to move on with her life. To at least know at the very least. This was not fair. If they could make something for themselves, then much longer and it would be too late. She could feel her will for his welfare starting to ebb away to nothing as that matter stood. With every silent day that passed, another ounce of concern seemed to die along with it. Much longer and neither would have the capacity to care.

_**Cuz you and I **_

_**Could lose it all if you've got no more room **_

_**No more inside for me in your life **_

Tifa glanced up as the door swung shut. A cold breeze passing through the door before it closed fully behind the elusive blond. He hadn't even said goodbye before leaving. Not that he usually did, but it would be nice once in a while. She would almost bet her hard-earned Gil that he'd gone to that church in the slums again. The fact that he kept going back there when stuff bothered him bugged her, especially when she was there…but that was Cloud…he much preferred talking to those who couldn't talk back. Asking those who couldn't answer him, and caring about those who could not do so back.

She glanced sideways as the screen on her phone flashed, a small buzzing sound filled the otherwise empty and cold bar as her phone vibrated upon the counter…she didn't answer though. For once, she was doing the ignoring - if he wanted to send her a message or one of his promises, then he could have done so a few minutes ago when she'd been standing in front of him. A phone was much more simple though - you could always disconnect and knock it off when you'd had enough…not like real life.

_**Is it all Or are we just friends **_

_**Is this how it ends**_

_** With a simple telephone call **_

_**You leave me here with nothing at all

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A/N: Thank you for reading huns!  
**_


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